Today, readers, we are blessed with an offering by local PR bigwig Martin Lipgloss. He’d originally wanted to grace the pages of Wirral Leaks but as usual, his attempts at contact were spurned.

So instead he came crawling on bloodied hands and knees down our street in search of an outlet. We know he’s restricted in his day job, so we took pity on this forlorn, sorry figure with its eyes rolling, tongue lolling and its hand outstretched, reached down and dragged him over the Wirral In It Together threshold.  Here’s his drug-induced story…

Greetings Lipglossers !

How are yerz?  Glad to see the successful amongst yer are still dropping me Common Purpose, mind-bending, hallucinatory, psycho-active, entirely legal H2c9a4.

And mark my words, as long as me Salford labs continue to churn it out, respond to market demand, or even surpass it, and our friendly bank is laundering your cash over into online bitcoins, then the funds will keep flowing IN and the bilge will keep flowing OUT, in torrents, out of your stimulated brain stems,onto your presses and across the pages of cheerful local government pamphlets, leaflets and magazines.  The mangled message is getting out there !

That also goes for the creative content of yer frazzled brains, through yer fizzing neural networks, outta yer frantically flying fingertips and onto yer flashing screens. Just keep on keeping the faith people !  The drugs do work.  Give it time, give it welly, let H2c9a4 do its business and your efforts will be generously ££rewarded.  You will be rich and on a 6 figure salary looking down on the plebs before you know it.

Anywayz, movin’ forward……..

They’ve got it kinda tough down in Kensington and Chelsea right now, but this is the game.  It’s gonna be a challenge some days and yer’ve gotta square up and meet it head on.  Spin, spin, spin.  Gloss, gloss, gloss.  Spiel, blurb, rant.

I’m amazed those K & C Tory guys haven’t got busy with good ol’ agents provocateur yet, attacking the polis, putting banks’ winderz in, smashing the MSM cameras, chucking Laura Kuenssberg in the canal, rousing the crowd.

Someone should be hiring crisis actors who can drop a copper one second and turn the message in anyone’s favour the next.  And Christ Almighty, that Theresa (No) May(tes) geddit? needs a rocket up her backside to whip her into shape on the mangling of the media front.  If this was me controlling events behind the scenes in me New Labour heyday, the peeps woulda been screeeeeaming fer Treeza, Treeza, Treeza by now.  And before yer get smart, New Labour WAS Tory.  Establishment flunky?  Serve yer master. NEVER forget that !!  Didn’t yer get me memo…?!

And OK, Blair’s dead as a dodo now, and his mantra is only “alive” and breavin’ when zombie Mandelson pops his coffin lid and goes walkabout !

So back to me.  Instead of joining the Tories, I answered me call to serve Labour in the North West. And never looked back. 

Me Comms efforts down the years have never come up wanting, have they readers? D’ya know why?  Cos there’s always a barrel to scrape, or a gutter to trawl through fer shite – or someone’s FKN bin to tip out when the going gets tough. Fuck the naysayers.  This is where the action is.  Dirt can be gathered and flung, and it stickz.  Just like shit to a blanket.  And anuvver fing…

Continued next week.