Everywhere you go there are splashes of Joe’s shameless, premature congratulations, most of it dripping from the front pages of the newspapers. Yeeeurch. The very sight of this yucky stuff is making us cringe and recoil.

Can’t Joe help himself?

We all noticed he had a stiff election. He was heavy breathing, got excited too quickly, began moaning and bellowing, couldn’t contain himself anymore, and out it flew … AAAARGH! … waaay too early.

But why does he have to walk away and leave these spilt too soon offerings lying around on public display for everyone to see?

Most mature politicians would keep their final, orgasmic, victory releases until the climax so that voters could enjoy the whole experience; the foreplay, the sordid act of voting and the build up to the final crescendo.

They could then leave the ballot box, fix their look, dust themselves down and walk away from the experience satisfied, without shame and happy with the results.

Until the Electoral College meet to rubber stamp Joe as President-Elect, no-one will know if he succeeded in getting his rocks off. And as for our warm feeling of contentment, it may arrive very, very late.

In order to address Joe’s unfortunate medical contition, could his Big Pharma friends maybe take him to one side and have a discreet word?

“Here we are sir, next time you rush to grope voters, overpower them and have your wicked way, here’s an effective remedy to stop you from “arriving too soon” into the limelight. It’s called Quell-cum…”

Quell-cum? You’re Wellcome…!