5th January 2017
The Snoopers’ Charter i.e. the UK Establishment’s new, globally unrivalled, sweeping legal authorisation to poke their noses in where they’re neither wanted nor appreciated i.e. into the deepest, furthest, most private corners of everybody’s (and we mean absolutely everybody’s) lives came into operation a few days ago.
Whether we like it or not.
This new ability to snoop, pry, invade, record, blackmail, name, shame, frame, and store vast amounts of personal / private information came about thanks to a rare coming together of the hated Tory government, the divided Labour ‘opposition’, the disgraced, equally despised Lib Dems; and was all timed to coincide with the UK public’s fascination at watching failed politico Ed Balls making a fool of himself on a box in the corner.
But what compels them? What collective, deep-seated concern do the pampered, privileged, plutocratic politicians and lawmakers all have in common that is powerful enough to make them stop their petty sneering, bickering, points-scoring and posturing, and sit up, take notice, and act?
F E A R …
…the ever-present dread brought on by the prospect of 64.1 million raging citizens dropping their TV remotes, coming together & marching on Westminster. An angry army of the disenfranchised, armed with burning torches to light the way, pitchforks to impale and lengths of sturdy rope to drag the traitors through the streets, then finish the job by stringing them between the ornate lampposts skirting the Thames like grotesque, swinging, airborne Boris Johnsons.
As a key part of this full-on, 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 366 days a year, 11 years a decade, 11 decades a century, 11 centuries a millennium snooping, some paid-up, enemy within lackey at GCHQ Cheltenham will be reading this text right now, thinking, ‘Ah, this former radio operator, former security patrolman, former labourer, former cable jointer, former lighting designer turned whistleblower, complainant, blogger and part-time transcriber is referring to me and my masters, and therefore represents a direct threat to national security. Shit, I’d better press [record]…’
*waves* *hi there*
You elected them…
You handed them their mandate…
You gave them your trust. Now…
They spy on you. And…
You pay them to do it.
And faced with the injustice of that, we can’t just sit here and do nothing. We believe in taking direct action – well as direct as it can be when transmitted via clawed, VWF drained typing fingers, and a rattling, battered keyboard with its letter markings rapidly wearing to nothing.
We’re going to draw from our vast pools of ingenuity to create an uncrackable “Enigma” style code, a veil to conceal all our most frequently used keywords. This will stymie the snoopers, scotch the spooks, frustrate the f*ck out of the fascists, protect us and our friends and keep GCHQ in the dark about our whereabouts, our movements and our motivations for many, many years to come. We’ve had our best people onto this plan for the last 30 minutes and …here it is:
and so on… until you get to Z, which equals A, obviously. It may need a little ‘work’.
See you soon…