Pioneering science. The first glimpse of a black hole’s spin
Scientists have measured the rate of spin of a black hole for the first time – and it is big… Measurements have been taken with a space-based X-ray telescope which imaged the black hole, rotating near to the centre of Wirral Council at Town Hall, Brighton Street, Wallasey, Merseyside.
The rotational measurements give precious clues as to how this black hole transformed and grew, from once humble origins to supermassive status. Recent rapid growth spurts represent the final stages in the evolution of decades of dysfunction, disaster, denials, and dodgy deals, and as external intervention approaches, ongoing calculations stand to teach local observers a great deal.
Since Hawking first postulated their existence, black holes have been tantalisingly difficult to study. And since so much in local politics depends on the detection of the truth, beyond the event horizon, nothing, not even hard facts, can escape.
Black holes swallow everything and are known to be indiscriminate, drawing in people:
- elected members
- senior officers
- hard-working lollipop ladies
- “action plans”
- meeting minutes
- “secret reports”
- expenses claims as long as yer arm
Phantom abstract notions:
And general everyday material associated with unfit for purpose councillors:
- passe ill-fitting suits
- gravy-stained ties
- briefcases stuffed with gifts and kickbacks
- track suits
- polyester slacks
- tarnished mayoral chains
- woeful comb-overs
– the process of destruction can stretch the very fabric of personal integrity until it splits asunder. As “truth-matter” is sucked into the void, and gathers into what is called the “Ugg” disk, it heats up rapidly, becoming twisted, elongated, misshapen and ultimately… obliterated.
Previous attempts to quantify such accretions have sought to analyse the proportional heat and chaff given off, but have always failed due to “smoke ‘n mirroring” i.e. uncontrolled emissions such as strings of falsehoods fed to the local press.
Buffeted arse cheeks
With Wirral Council in mind, Professor Herman de Graaf and colleagues at the Liscard-Smithsonian Centre for Astrophysics have concentrated on markedly higher energies – less subject to absorption and dissipation by the local MP for Birkenhead – using Europe’s XXX-Sagan telescope.
XXX-Sagan is unprecedented in its ability to focus in on the hidden agendas of even the most slippery of senior council officers, with high-energy X-Rays. Early results for Town Hall, Brighton Street, Wallasey, suggest a black hole more than 48,000 light years across, whose outermost edge has whipped up a stellar wind, now buffeting the exposed arse cheeks of local MPs – at a speed near to that of light.
But as de Graaf explained, “The beauty of the black hole’s true spin is a memory, a record if you will, of past peccadilloes such as hidden ‘mind how you go sir’ drink-driving clemencies and similar instances which hold the potential for the same old rogues to blackmail officials and to cling on to receding power”.
Fred the shred, multiplied by a factor of ‘n’ to the plus 3 billion
Had the black hole grown in a series of small “feeds” of carefully shredded evidence from random directions, the spin would be low and unremarkable. But results suggest instead, once whistles were blown, and protected disclosures made, the black hole grew markedly through a series of frenzied, uncontrollable, greed-filled absorptions of people and matter:
- LGA ‘troubleshooters’
- corrupt service providers
- ‘improvement’ boards
- external non-independent “independent” investigators
- dodgy account sheet entries
- ravaged policies
- uncollected debt
- procedures in tatters
- dodgy grant fund ‘business advocates’
- “secret reports”
- Grant Thornton reports
….these all became grist to the mill, taking on the breakneck momentum of the totality of 60 consecutive financial quarters, which imploded in a chaotic helix of unchecked, spiralling dysfunction.
Wroooooaaarrrrgh, I’m m-m-melting
And as Professor Fairfax of the nearby University of Seacombe explains in an accompanying article in Nature, “Understanding the evolution of such supermassive black holes at councils’ cores is crucial to our perception of how local democracy itself can lurch out of kilter, and how once-drab, grey suited, pen-pushing public servants will suddenly pull up short, stop writing out orders for paper clips, and once over the event horizon, become infused with crazed hyperdysfunction.
They’ll begin shouting orders, bullying colleagues, abusing service users, and when challenged, rotate in circles, shrieking, buzzing, emitting smoke, before morphing into deranged android drones, yelling, “business needs”, “cash flow”, “moving forward”, “Martin Morton”, “draw a line”, “football shirt”, “spotty blue teapot”, “what a load of tosh”, at the tops of their voices, then collapsing and self-destructing in a tangled heap of wires, melted diodes and blackened circuit boards… and stuff like that.
“The energy released by a supermassive black hole the size of Wirral’s can be so powerful and all-encompassing, it could even threaten to disrupt accepted steady state norms, such as the uniform rectangular structure of the ever-present brown envelope continuum,” Prof Fairfax wrote.
“In extreme cases, it can even begin to consume itself, hoovering up all the usual fringe benefits and enticements. Even the time-worn, customary sniff at a juicy backhander in return for a job well done will become passed into the void.”
However, in a note of caution, Prof Fairfax added, “This measurement applies to just one council, and even more advanced X-ray observatories will be needed to unravel the compelling mystery at the heart of the centre of the core of the hub of the “inner ring” of the entire UK Local Government self-generating Hyper-fallacy.”