Inching slowly forward into the blinding daylight, media warlord Ho Van Dacre is encouraged from his lair and out, blinking, into a very unfamiliar world.

It’s 40 years since the veteran of blood and guts journalistic warfare fled the media jungle, only to hole himself up deep within the bunkers of Northcliffe House, home of The Daily Mail.

Unclothed, save for a sweaty loincloth; unregulated, save for a panel of sweaty lackeys, Ho Van has enjoyed free rein…  to lob grenades, set landmines, spray napalm, lay waste to the minds of once decent people…  and to freely and quite deliberately drag our once proud nation kicking and screaming into the gutter.

Lord Leveson was not available for comment.