Refreshed following a nasty bout of DePfeffel21 Long Furlough Sars-Cov-eboli, Nobby Dee the infamous canvas-kisser is forced into a boxing bout by Nancy Pelosi and a gang of ruthlessly insurrectionist Nation-healing Democrats. If you are a hedge-cuttingsphobe, fear not: they are only briefly present.

You might just be asking yourselves, what’s worse than being laid in bed minding your own bloody business when some crazed spiteful vindictive twat tramples on your herbaceous borders, comes scurrying up your drainpipe, bursts into your bedroom via an insecure window and whilst your’e there physically pleasuring yourself, and at the same time nibbling on a custard slice, they jump on you, thrash you with nettles and tip a bag full of rotting hedge cuttings over you, kick you in the bollocks and then run off into the dead of night?

I mean, that’s pretty bad isn’t it? Who’d want that? I wouldn’t. Mind, I…